Week eight, day six
“I deserve to be alive, happy and be whatever I want to be in this world!”
This is my new anthem, and I will print it in block capital letters and display it in my ‘wall of fame’.
I believe that this should be displayed in every fridge door of every kitchen in the world! How many of you, at some point in your life, thought that you didn’t even deserve to share the same air with the rest of the world? For me it was a really frightening revelation and it was huge! The fact is, I wasn’t even aware that I thought that, but it was presenting itself in other forms – such a restlessness, insecurities, people and tests – and I was not really listening, or simply didn’t recognise it, till I finally had my breakthrough during my last session with Shana. The session was supposed to be just a wrap up, but it ended up being a three-hour session, bless her! Can you believe I thought I didn’t deserve to even be loved? That thought now makes me sick!
Reading my past blogs also showed me how I felt before and how I am today after only eight weeks! It’s almost shocking but, yes, I was pretty desperate and I can read it from my words. I hardly recognise myself in those words and, although it might sound strange it’s actually a positive thing because I like the new me better!
So my goal as of today is to make my blogs more positive and encouraging... What I’m going to say it might sound eccentric at first but, honestly, I don’t want you to identify with my past issues but instead I want you to do something about them! I don’t want you to say ‘I feel how she feels’, no! I want you to do something about your issue, whatever that is! Do something, do something, do something!!! Go out and get help, don’t wait for the answer to drop from the sky. Sorry to break it to you but the answers really won’t come – you have to go and get them yourself, in whatever form, or tool, that works for you!
If you feel that something is not working in your life, look for the answer. Stop blaming others about your insecurities and, out of love of yourself, don’t look for pity – you don’t want that! If you want to be a happy girl, go out with happy people and don’t try to ‘save’ people… save yourself first because you deserve to be happy! And because you are a magnificent creation and you owe it to yourself as well as to everybody else in this world! Don’t buy in to the belief that everything has to be hard, or dramatic, otherwise you don’t learn!!!
You have drama in your life? You looked for it! You say, “But I’m alone and nobody wants me!” Did you go out recently? Did you enroll on a course? Did you do anything different, or did you stay home waiting for friends to knock on your door? Did you push your friendship by imposing your ideas or did you wait for it to develop and mature? You don’t get respect? Are you actually giving other people respect, or does it always have to be your way or no way? You don’t have a boyfriend? Look what happened in the past and see if there is a pattern. Rather than crying about what went wrong, think about what you learnt from past relationships, and what is the message behind them? Why do the same thing keep happening again and again? Is it maybe time to change strategy? If it doesn’t work anymore maybe it means that something needs to be fixed, or replaced? Isn’t it about time to say ‘enough is enough’? Listen!
I don’t want to paint a pretty picture for you anymore because I feel insecure and bad about been myself and say what I think, because I know now it’s counterproductive for me and for you.... And yes maybe you are thinking “Look who’s talking – you just had a big break!” Yes, I had a big break, it is true. However I also now strongly believe that it didn’t just happen, I looked for it and the universe made it happen for me and damn I deserve it!!!
So, my friends, maybe the answer won’t come straight away. So patience is involved in the process, but it’s worth every second of your time – it’s your life at stake here. It’s worth it to make sure you get the life you deserve to live...
Week eight, day six
There’s no place like home
I found an unconventional way to explain to you how this amazing magical journey has been for me...Don’t ask me how it come to my mind but after I had a long shower I just had to run downstairs to write it!
I feel this challenge has been a sort of tornado that swept me away towards an unknown territory. Next thing I know the Good Witch of the North (Louisa) announced to me that I’m set for an adventure, in a magical land in search of the way back home, where off course I’m the little Dorothy, and some of the people I meet in my journey and companions are my fellow challengers. Each one of the challengers represented something I had to recognise to be already within myself. And I know it sounds a bit funny but it all seems to make sense in my mind, and I hope I’m making it as easy for you to understand too. I remember Shana telling me that all the qualities I value and fear in every person I meet resides already within myself... and that is the most encouraging thought I can give to you today – think about it… when you see a special quality in someone, or something that annoys you, look in the mirror and search for those parts of yourself that you maybe have not yet owned or loved. .
Going forward, the magic land represents my confused life as it was, where all of my desires and fears were enacted; the Wizard of Oz is, of course, Shana...
Loneliness and loss of self are integral part of the story’s main characters and so it was for me... I had lost myself. The Scarecrow has an emptiness in his head and needs a brain. The Tin Man is empty inside, and needs a heart. The Lion feels inadequate without courage. Special mention goes to Toto the dog which is the only connection to Dorothy’s happy past life... It was Toto that made Dorothy laugh, and saved her from growing as grey as her surroundings; and there is a special person in my life that never failed to show me the funny side of things.
Like Dorothy I did not attain my own rescue from the Wizard alone, who proves to be just as human as everybody else (sorry Shana – I still think you have a magic touch though!) I only find myself once the secret was revealed to me – that I had my magic red shoes on all along, but didn’t have the right knowledge, or the necessary experience. I had to work through my fears, anger and guilt, which are the two basic emotions and are the most challenging emotions affecting our overall physical and emotional well-being. They can sabotage our vitality, imbalance our physiology and rob us of our inner poise.
Only then when I managed to work through my unconscious emotional conflicts was I able to embrace my real self. My wizard shook me to act, think and do what I previously did not believe I had the power to do. In fact, like in the story, none of my companions believed in their own strengths… we all earned those important qualities we were searching for in our individual journey down our own personal yellow brick lanes. I think it’s almost time we all tap our pretty red shoes and we are finally ready to go home.