Week nine, day one
Thinking, thinking, thinking
Lately I’m thinking so much that sometimes I feel like eating my own brain! And life keeps on testing me every single day, the difference – and I’m extremely happy about it – is that now I’m understanding the process of finding out the answers, or the learning behind events!! Yey!!!
I always get very excited and speak too soon, but you do when you something good happens to you, right? Even during my boxing session today I found I had a challenge as Charles tested my skills, took off his pads and asked me to punch him in the stomach and protect myself! Are you kidding me? I just couldn't, I suddenly froze, I acted very weirdly, and for the very first time I said “I can’t”. I gave him some punches but they were caresses compared to when I hit the pads and I couldn’t stop apologising while giggling nervously. Seriously it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done! He told me to trust him and that I wouldn’t hurt him. At some point I actually had tears in my eyes, I was so worried to hurt him but I was ready to punch!! D’oh!!! I felt like a complete roasted chicken!
At the same time I was very upset with myself because I wanted to be able to protect myself and respond to the attack the best I could, and the only person stopping it was me. And guess what? I immediately attached a deeper meaning to it, like I‘m still an easy target and that I’m not quite ready to prevent people from stepping over me??? Could that be possible? But that was the only thought running in my mind. I know I have the tools, Charles gave me tools too, and I didn’t utilise them when I needed and that thought made me think that maybe I didn’t do my best and was wasting an opportunity. I know how to punch the pads – I have been doing it for the past two months. I simply didn't trust him and I didn’t trust myself!!! I still have long way to go, my friends. I still think I’m learning to defend myself. It’s all in the mind… it is an attitude. But how can I protect myself if I don't know how to fight and trust myself? I still have a little mental block but I’m adamant to pursue it, to fight it and to challenge myself and do something about it. Charles told me that next time he will bring his armour and I want to see that. I’m already laughing at the thought of punching a live version of a ninja turtle! So watch out, Charles! One day, when I am ready, I will knock you down. :)